Category: the Rant Board
This is one of two blog posts of mine I'm posting here for discussion and/or your amusement.
One of the great frustrations of being a blind person in a world made of fully sighted and able-bodied people is good intentions. It can seem as if every interaction with anyone who is either not already your friend or who is paid to serve you has some element of "hey, look at me, I'm doing you a favor so you'd better be grateful for it." Good intentions also seems to be more important than universal ideas of manners, as in, what it is appropriate to say to a stranger or when it is appropriate to touch or enter the personal space bubble. Everyone's always trying to be nice, no matter how necessary or unnecessary the help, no matter how awkward or backhanded the compliment, and why randoms feel they need to compliment us in the first place is beyond me. If you dare as a standard generic human being to try to even kindly assert yourself, the doer of the good deed gets very defensive and offended. It seems as if, no matter how polite you are in your words, what matters most in this transaction is recognition of and gratitude for the good deed. That is more important than the result of what the person did, whether you really needed it or not, or if it was a remark or compliment, what kind of implied ableism there might have been, how appropriate it is to say to any stranger, or how backhanded the comment was or any other considerations. Your needs mean nothing. Your feelings mean nothing. The intentions behind the deed are the only thing that seems to matter, and I guess what people want from you is recognition that they are a good and kind person. Really? Do people really feel they are such hideous psychotic monsters that they need blind people to tell them they're good? Social media is also very telling. On Twitter, one is able to read anything posted to the main timeline. Put the word helped and the word blind in a search of public tweets separated by a plus sign and you'll see what I mean. People will tweet that they helped some blind person cross a road or get somewhere or find a bus seat or get on or off a bus or help shopping and people will not only crow about how good they feel about themselves for having done this, some will also tend to believe that somehow supernatural forces will give them favor and they are bound for paradise when they die for doing the good deed. So, people are doing this, at least it seems, for their own gratification, their own glorification, and their own gain even if that gain is in the afterlife. Some people will not object to this. They will say that if they make somebody's day by whatever good deed is done more power to them and they won't rain on that person's parade. Me, I feel differently but I also have to keep my feelings to myself because if I dare say boo about it and say anything that does not reassure the do-gooder that they are a good and kind person, I will always be the one to blame, I am angry, I am ungrateful, they are never in the wrong because good intentions seem to be a kind of get-out-of-jail-free card.
Oh, but don't you know? We're blind, so we're not really people, and the rules of polite interaction that apply to able-bodied society certainly don't apply to us. lol... see my reply to your other post.
Becky
We are extradementional beings. How can we possibly be thought of as one of them? lol
The road to Hell, is paved with good intensions.
Blessings,
Sarah
I don't care what the intentions are. If someone is treating me in a way they would not treat an able-bodied person, then there's a problem. It's not cool to grab me, invade my space, or otherwise be rude in the name of good intentions. I try my best to assert my right to equal courtesy/manner/treatment in the most polite way possible, to educate nicely where and when I can, but one thing I suck at doing is staying silent about it when this is done to me. Rephrase: Perhaps I shouldn't say I suck at it, because honestly I don't believe I should stay silent. If I'm actually being an ungrateful bitch, (and I admit there are times I have been, on those days when I've been pushed to the limit) then I don't blame people for thinking me one. However, if I've done my best to be reasonable and they still see me that way, I can't control what they think or that I wounded their poor little self-sacrificing do-gooder heart. I still generally don't stay silent about this kind of thing. Yes, it bites to have people think of me in some of the ways they have, but the reward is that there are those very rare occasions when the person has enough of a brain not to take offense. There are those rare times when they actually realize that they have treated me in a disrespectful way no matter how good their intent, and they learn from the experience.
I remember in block watch training, we were taught that if someone grabs hold of any mobility device, white cane, wheelchair, crutch, walker, that's been defined as "Part of the person..."
It's against the law to even grab any assistive device. I'm glad that the law is like that. How annoying it is, when someone just grabs you or something you're using or sitting in!
Blessings,
Sarah
Or, "you are sooooo inspirational! You're just such a miracle because you live your life!"
I am so sick of it, and it's not even people with blindness. It's others who are disabled too.
One of the other things that bothers me about being blind is how some people assume that they can get away with saying or doing things that wouldn’t otherwise be tolerated by the sighted. Usually it’s in the form of questions that you simply wouldn’t ask another person out of politeness. I remember once when I was living in Manhattan and going to a friend’s on Long Island for the weekend. I usually paid for my ticket using the full fare option rather than getting the discount. Apparently someone behind me overheard me doing this when I was at the ticket window. This was at the time when they didn’t have automatic ticket machines that you could use with a credit or debit card. Anyway, I was sitting there on the train reading when this stranger across from me asked why I didn’t take the option for disabled people. Then, in a confrontational tone, he said: “And don’t tell me it’s charity.” I don’t remember what I even said, probably because I was so flabbergasted that I’d be confronted like that on something that was my own personal business, but I might’ve said something like: “Because it’s mmy own damned money, and you don’t have a say in how I spend it.” And I don’t even remember his reaction to whatever it is I might’ve said. The thing I do remember is the question and the confrontational tone of it. It’s like, you ask me a question about something that doesn’t concern you. You aren’t family, you’re not a friend, you don’t know my first name much less my surname. And you assume it’s okay to basically mind mmy business for me? Un-fucking believable!
Good for you! I wouldn't even know what I would do in that situation but I like to think I would do the same thing. I'll do what I wish with my money and my time. For that matter, I'll decide who I wish to talk to. So good day, sir. Lol
I get some of that at the Karaoke bar I go to, usually from people who are just visiting the joint for the first time and don't know me. If it isn't a stupid question it's someone invading my space. Thankfully the owners of the bar keep such incidents to a minimum either by intervening with the other person or, if that doesn't work, moving me closer to them which I don't mind either.
It's worse, if you're blind and married. I was at one time and someone had the nerve to ask: "How do you and your husband have sex????"
Well, same as anyone else. I ain't no alien. And, just because I can't see, I'm quite human, thank you. Then I asked: "And, how do you have sex?"
Hahaha!
Blessings,
Obvious
I'm always amused everytime I hear of somebody being asked the question about sex. It's never happened to me but honestly, do people see us as such an alien species that our assorted naughty bits and biological processes are unlike those of mere Earth creatures? The mind, it doth boggle.
Next time I'm accused of being ungrateful for refusing help I didn't need, if I'm at all thinking straight, I want to tell the person that I'm not going to congratulate them for giving a damn, which I think is what they want to hear from us a lot of the time. When we are helped, it is not about whether we actually need or desire the help, they are helping us so we can tell them how great they are for caring. What they don't realize is if they decided to ignore us, there'd be countless faceless nameless people to take their place with the very same intentions. If they would stop watching the news they would stop believing everyone but themselves are evil. LOL!
LOL. Ever time I'm with a significant other in publicthere's at least a few people who automaticall assumeeven when told that she'sm caregiver and nothing more. Either that or my partner gets congratulated for keeping that poor blind guy connected to the world. That happened once about eleven years ago. M girlriend at that time happened to be a Senior in High School and she'd invited me to her prom. Well at one point I had touse the restroom and while I was there this lady apparently came up to my GF and said how wonderful it was that she'd take that blind person to prom with her. And she was like well yeah, he's my boyfriend.
Say what, Bryan? LOL. I got most of that, but some of it was confusing. Bottom line though, someone thought you were on a pity date. I hope they felt like an idiot when your GF told them otherwise.
Sarah, I too have gotten asked about how I have sex. You don't have to be married to be asked that one, you just have to have reached puberty, basically, or be with a partner. Like you, I have asked the question in return, just to embarrass the hell out of the person, and to point out how stupid and inappropriate their question really was.
Godzilla, I think you're right, a lot of people who offer to help us are looking for recognition. Facebook stories that go viral, such as the one about a McDonald's cashier who helped a disabled person cut his food, don't make that any better. I sometimes wonder if people are hoping to be the hero of the next big FB story.
The guy I hope to be boyfriends with happens to be in a wwheelchair. He told me how he was at some sort of public function and another guy, probably about six-two or so, asked him how he’d be able to have sex. So, David told him to stand up. His crotch was just about at mouth level, so David said: “Yes, I think I could.” It took the other guy a little bit to realize what he meant, but then when he did so, he blushed scarlet apparently. On the board,, or what?
Bahahahahahaha! That's probably the best response to that I've heard yet.
So, I think this little event relates. Yesterday morning I boarded the first of two busses I take to work. Now, I usually stand on this leg of the route just because it only goes a few blocks so no point in sitting just to stand and leave two minutes later. I board yesterday and this guy slurrily says there's a seat available. I tell the driver, not this guy, that I intend to stand as my ride is short and the slurry guy is seemingly deeply offended to his soul. He says to himself but loud enough for me to hear that he was only offering and expressed great disgust at my refusal, claiming he didn't have time for this. Guess he had enough time to feel all butt-hurt that I indirectly refused his offer though. And that is messed-up priorities. If the most important thing to you is that you care enough to offer in your mind but you have no thought to the person's need for what you offer, you're helping for the wrong reason. Classic case of somebody who wanted recognition for being kind, but he acted as if the proffered seat was the equivalent of a million dollars in cash. People need to get over themselves.
Yes, this pisses me off. Why are an abled persons feelings more valued than ours, when we are the ones who are central to the situation. Like, someone offers help, I politely decline, they get all upset. If you only offered help so you could feel some kind of self gratification then you can fuck off. And I'm not rude to people directly, but this is honestly how I feel about it. I offer to help people if I feel I have the skills to do so, and they are in need. I might offer to show another blind student where the nearest store is because I know the route and they don't. It's not to help my ego, but because maybe they could do with a hand. I might offer to carry something for a sighted person if they were struggling to get a big box up some steps. If either party declines then that's ok, I'm going to assume they are alright figuring it out on their own.
But yet, if we as disabled people decline when an abled person offers to help us it's like we are being deliberately difficult. I'm sorry, but I don't exist so people can get their good deed of the day done. If someone offers help and I need it I'm very apreciative of that, but if I don't and I say i'm ok thank you I expect them to respect that.
But this all goes back to how disabled people are infantalised and not seen as fully human. And I'm sorry to people who will object to this but it's true. We are treated as less than, and it doesn't matter if the person wanted to help. If they won't respect that I know my situation and what I need best then they are seeing me as different to how they would other adults.
The other day I was heading home from campus. I asked my dog to find the steps, and I was walking towards them when she glanced to the right. She does this because there are two sets of steps, one straight ahead, but first you go through a little covered bit, and another to the right. So she was offering me a choice kind of thing. I said "not today", straight on. I say not today in that instance because she's not doing anything wrong, and I want to let her know that I like her offering them to me, but this time we are going to the ones ahead. Anyway some lady walked up to me and went "oh, your dog doesn't know where it's going does it". And this really annoyed me. Does this woman know anything about service dogs? No, she doesn't. I explained that actually I as the handler am the one in charge of telling her where to go, and she was simply offering something to me. It made me angry because she thought she had a right to comment on something she knew nothing about.
I know this happens with abled people too, but I find that when you have a disability people think they have a right to invade all aspects of your life, including ones they really don't.
It pisses me off when I realize all the things people believe good intentions allow that, if such things were done or said to a fellow sighted abled person, there would be lawsuits and fistfights and other assorted chaos and hatred and discontent. And yet we're supposed to just smile through it all and shrug it away because people are only trying to be nice. Funny thing, to my way of thinking, if nice is something you have to try to be, are you claiming that in your normal mode of living you are not nice at all, so it takes this huge Herculean effort and expense of energies on your part? Or perhaps I am misunderstanding words like "only trying" and "nice."
LOL damn typos. It just seems that when I've been wit a sighted or even partially sighted woman and we're out in public a lot of people assume there must be another reason than just dating and wanting to go have fun. That other person couldn't possibly be with me simply because she wanted to! I suspect that was the mentality behind this woman's comment to my ex. Then the fact that I look so much younger than I actually am sometimes works against me. About eight years ago, for instance, I was engaged to a woman who, despite apparently looking at least in her forties by some people's estimation, was only three years older than me. She came to get me from college since we were planning a little date night and a few people asked if that was my mother. LOL.
I've been known to say I'm not questioning you don't question me especially if I am in public and it seems like the person is getting too personal. It's true. If sighted questioned sighted like people think they can question us, there certainly would be fights. Good point. It's such a fine line when people are making sure we are heading the right direction and we do ask for assistance. if it ever happens to you in a doctor's office though and somebody is just being curious to be curious, say you're in the office because you don't feel good and don't want questions.
Wow, I relate to this so hard!
I want some kind of snappy comeback always at the ready for situations like these. Because I experience these things just about every time I go out unaccompanied by a sighted person.
Here's an example:
I was walking to the train station on campus to catch the train I need to get home. Suddenly this super bubbly woman comes up next to me and churps, "Do you need help finding the train?"
Mind you, I was literally a few hundred feet away from the train at this point. Maybe closer. Point is, the train station was clearly visible and audible from the spot where I was. Not to mention I'd made this walk so many times in the past that I could do it without thinking about it.
So I politely declined. She stays silent for a second, then goes, "Are you sure," with a real dubious tone of voice. Like she literally could not believe I'd said no. I could tell that she'd been handing out unnecessary guidance to blind people for a while (there are many on my campus,) and said blind people either needed her help, or, more likely, accepted her help for fear of appearing rude if they didn't.
Another example:
So I'm at the train station where I catch the bus home. My girlfriend was home, and since we live pretty close to the station, she offered to come pick me up. I was feeling lazy, so I agreed.
So I'm standing where the busses pull up on one side of the path, and people picking up pedestrians pull up on the other side. She pulls up next to me and yells out the window to let me know it was her. I walk over and fumble a bit with the car handle, because you know, can't get it right the first time every time.
As soon as I began running my hand along the door to find the handle, this guy literally walks up right next to me and opens the car door for me. I actually thought it was my girlfriend being overly courteous or something, until I heard her call from
inside the car "hey, he's got it!"
That was so fucking creepy, and what's worse is that people who do these things don't realize that it's invasive.
Jake
Don't ya know, Jake? Doors are how they play with us. Our hands must land precisely on the handle and not a millimeter away from it. If we fail at this "easy" task, they either grab us or fling the door open in our face and almost knock us over in the process. It's a sport of theirs.
LOL, Voyager. So true.
Some of this well-intentioned, unnecessary help makes us look clumsier than we are, that's what I hate. Trying to gauge just where the person is who holds open a door...
Also can't stand it when bus drivers insist that other people relocate and give up a seat for me. I am not feeble, and can walk five steps more, to another seat! Any comment of oh, you really don't need to do that, but thanks, is always ignored! It's such a frequent occurrence that it really shouldn't get to me, but it does. Why do people assume blindness means we have other physical disabilities, too?
If someone at a bar offers to cover my tab I'm not gonna say no to that.
Well no, I'll gladly accept that, too, and all free meals. *smile* This has happened on a number of occasions.
Yeah, I guess I should take the giving up of a seat in the same spirit, shouldn't I? Well, at least I can say even though it irks me, I haven't been rude to anyone, over it.
Oh, I enjoy it when people pay for me too, but I always feel so damn weird. Like, are you sure you don't want your $10 back? lol
See, I hate it when people pay for things or try to give me money. Unless you're doing it because you really like me, I'm not interested. I want drinks/meals bought for me because I'm awesome, not because I'm disabled, thank you very much.
But people are usually polite, in the case of paying for meals or drinks, unlike in some of these other examples of misguided over-helpfulness. They usually ask, "May I buy your breakfast." or the like. And it's usually elderly folks, and so if it doesn't come with a "your such an inspiration" speech, I accept it as a kind gesture. Unlike someone grabbing me on the street and steering me in the wrong direction, this is something I appreciate.
I never, never, never allow a total stranger to buy anything for me. Not when I have the money. Definitely not. I don’t compromise on that. The automatic assumption is that they’re doing it out of pity, and I simply won’t tolerate that. It happened to me on a train trip when I was going upstate from New York City. I wanted some food, and I had the money to buy my own food. I went to the club car, was waiting in line, and some guy in front of me asked me what I was getting. I asked him why he wanted to know. Why? Cuz it’s my right and he, as far as I could tell, was not on the other side of the counter, but standing in line in front of me. He said he wanted to buy it for me. I said no. He again repeated that he wanted to buy it for me, this time putting his hand on my shoulder. I again said no. First, you don’t do that to me. It’s an invasion of my space. Second, I could tell it was his good deed for the day. I’m not someone’s good deed. Before you get the privilege of buying something for mme, you better know me so I trust you. Second, if I don’t have the money to get something for myself, I simply shouldn’t be where I’m required to pay the kind of money it takes to get that thing I want for myself. It’s my right not to be someone’s good deed, and I won’t tolerate it if I'm put in that position.
I get that, but it happens infrequently, and as long as they're not making a song and dance about it, I say okay. Having to decline and explain makes more of a scene than I want, and makes everyone feel awkward.
Depends on my feeling toward the person doing the offering, I guess.
And yes, if you can't pay for your own coffee, or whatever, don't be in the coffee shop! I don't really think anyone's hanging out, hoping someone will sponsor them a meal or drink. It just comes up, sometimes.
I get the thing about standing up on a train though. If I'm only going one or two stops, I see nothing wrong with standing.
I don't make a scene. I simply say no. I don't explain. I don't care why you're doing it; I don't want to know. I simply assume you're making me your good deed. End of story for me. It's not my obligation to explain to you why I'm rejecting your offer. The way I view it, it's your duty to leave me alone and let me lead my own life. When you're interfering in my right to do that, you don't get an explanation and you don't deserve one.